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Dating Information |
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Christian Singles: Questions To Keep Your Spirit Alive
With special events like Valentine's Day coming and going each year, I am reminded how difficult it can be to retain your spirit of who you are when you're a Christian single. It just sometimes feels like it would be easier to mold yourself into whatever your dating partners want, and then you can get on with living happily ever after. Become what other people want you to be, date non Christians, etc. I was recently reminded of this when I met up with a friend for coffee. As energetic, bubby, positive, social, million-miles an hour type of Christian girl, she was telling me about her new boyfriend. They had moved in together, he didn't like to socialize, he was quiet and reserved, and all they did was watch TV. They didn't even put up a Christmas tree or lights this past holiday season, because he thought it was all a waste of time. This from my friend who usually wears a Santa hat for the entire month of December. As we chatted, she kept justifying all of the things that they obviously didn't have in common. I then noticed her usually dancing eyes had lost their shine. How sad, I thought. Why had she given up on her spirit? During my many years of single life, I attended a workshop where one of the exercises was to write done all of the things that we were looking for in a partner. But in order to do that, we first had to write down all of the things that defined us as people. This prompted an amazing series of Soul searching questions. 1. What did I believe in? 2. What role did God play in my life? 3. What were my values? 4. What was important to me? 5. On career, did I work to live, or live to work? 6. What did I do for fun? 7. What hobbies did I have? 8. What offended me? 9. What did I consider to be right and wrong, moral and immoral, ethical and unethical? 10. What were my politics? 11. What were my dreams? 12. What goals did I have? 13. What about my family and the desire for more kids? 14. What charities and causes did I support? By defining what I wanted in another person, I was first clarifying and refining my own self image and my own spirit. I developed a vision of my Christian singles partner, based on my own definition of what my spirit was (as opposed to the other way around). I became more and more committed to sustaining my spirit while searching for a partner. As it turned out, when my spirit was challenged by some of the people I dated (if they weren't Christian or if we clashed on any of the answers to the questions above), I had the confidence and inner conviction to politely say good-bye and move onto the next person. It still took me a long time to find the right person (or rather, she found me). I still had to suffer through a few more Valentine's Days, which always reminded me of my singleness. Yet, I came to realize that it had never been more important to know what I stood for. You too can do the same. Answer those questions above and understand what you stand for. Then you can continue your search for like-minded people. The Internet and website personals speeds that whole process up for you, letting you refine your search by specific age ranges, kids or not, divorced or not, white, black, location, income level, career path, values, etc. Your spirit will truly sing when you start getting to know like-minded people. ===============================================================
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Date Lying 01/06/09
by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
A reader of my articles wrote to me about the article I wrote entitled, “Why do People Lie?” He said that he would be “very interested in a similar article with examples about all the lying that women do….At least in the initial stages of dating, women lie sooooo much.”
Well, being a woman, I’m not as aware of how much women lie on dates as I am of how much men lie on dates. So I decided to write about date lying in general.
The man who wrote to me was upset about lies such as “I have to go,” or “I’m busy,” or “I’m on another call right now. I’ll call you back.” He states that “I think that much of this is women’s very misguided attempt to ‘spare someone’s feelings.’ Reject them, without actually rejecting them.”
I think this is accurate. Women have been trained to not hurt men’s feelings. They have been taught that if the truth will hurt, then tell a “white lie.” And, when they do tell the truth, it is often in a harsh or critical way.
I’ve often counseled women, who don’t want to date a particular man, to say things like, “I don’t feel romantic toward you,” or “There doesn’t seem to be chemistry between us,” or “I’m not feeling a connection with you.” One of my clients told a man who called her for a first date, “Your energy does not feel respectful toward me. I’m not drawn to meet you because of this.” He was open to what she was saying and they ended up having a good conversation. He was appreciative of her truth, and she ended up going out with him.
Since men are usually the ones doing the calling, they are not as often put in the position of say no. My experience is that men often lie too, but in different ways. For example, a client of mine, a psychotherapist, dated a man who told her he was in therapy. She was pleased to hear this, as personal growth was very important to her. She later discovered that he was in therapy because the court had mandated it due to him having punched his ex-wife in the stomach while she was pregnant. She found this out through the ex-wife. His avoidance of the truth was an attempt to impress her and control how she felt about him.
Men often “lie” by coming on strong, calling a lot, sending flowers - trying to impress a woman. Then once the woman is “hooked”, the attention falls away. The giving wasn’t his normal way of being - he was giving to get. It is well known that many men know exactly what to say to a woman to melt her heart. A man at one of my 5-day intensive workshops, who was married but was addicted to being with other women, revealed how easy it was for him to hook women in, even when they knew he was married. “Women desperately want to be seen and understood. All I have to do is reflect back to the woman the things she wants to hear and I’ve got her. I can see her caring, her intelligence, her creativity, her joy of life, her beauty. I can see what she has to offer that has been squashed down. When I see these things in her, she falls in love with me.” Some of the women in the intensive were drawn to him, even knowing that he was sucking them in! The lie was not what he was saying to them about themselves – it was that he covertly implied that he would be available to continue to see, love, nurture and support them, when in reality he had no intention of continuing to do so.
Date lying of many kinds is common for both men and women. Generally, neither men nor women want to “hurt” another person with the truth of how they feel. Both men and woman can turn on the charm at the beginning and seem to be giving and caring, only to turn out to be using the other for their own neediness.
What is the way out of being at the other end of lies? Stay tuned into your own intuition. Speak your truth. Learn to give yourself the approval and attention that you are trying to get from another, so that you are not so vulnerable to others’ approval. And, don’t take it personally when someone does lie to you. Their lie is more about them than it is about you.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
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